Friday, June 24, 2011

June 20, 2011
6:00 pm

It has been more than two weeks of my stay here in Gujarat, at my home on this holiday. The time flows, I realise this well when I have no work to do, no classes to attend. Here in this small room, sheltered with the hot roof, that often leaks during rain, with blistering sun above it, physically alone all the time, I never find myself alone actually. This is so because of the upheaval of thoughts in my mind, creative, supportive and those which are always difficult to share, you want to set them free but at the same time, you find yourself handcuffed and let them remain inside you.
During this period of my holidays here, today it is the first time that I pushed myself out of my blistering hot room, in search of medications for my sores, that weren’t able to heal, because of their captivity.


Its 6:30 pm, sun is still four fingers above the horizon, and I am strolling down the lanes, learning my familiarity with them, that I gained two years back. I used to come here, same streets, two years back too. But then everything was different. Today, I feel an essence of relieve all around. The feel of cool wind, surpass the somatic senses from my sores.

Breeze, without any lease,
giving me ease,
pains to cease,
modifying my crease.
My mind in muse,
body gone loose,
telling me to stop,
but with a comma, and not a full stop.
I move on, on the pavement drawn,
at the time of dusk, I am seeing my dawn,
picking up the husk, smelling of musk,
I make out, how sturdy the time was,
From Dusk, Till Dawn...


June 20, 2009 – Two years back from now
Energy, vision and ambitions when combined, does wonders. I often read this in various publications. I have realised that inexperience and infatuation often comes in hidden packets along with these miraculous winning profiles. Everybody does contain them. I was no substitute. Had those miraculous profiles within, but lacked to conquer those devil packets. And set myself away for the most competitive training that is more or less like a trend now. If I had sensed about my never visible loopholes at that early time, I would have been now on a different track.
Kota, the most competitive, sound environment, and hot weather city in India became my place for one year. Most appropriate institution, with the finest teachers at their best.
This was the phase in my life when I enjoyed the most. I was then always bearing smile on my face. I met many good people, learnt a lot from them. Good friends, good food. We lived there with our heightened goals and with boosted confidence. This was the part of training that was given at our institute.
Things that always seem most favourable and rejoiced by us sometimes do not prove to be so in the latter part of our lives.
Again here, I was no substitute to this.Besides the excellent surrounding that I got there, I got someone, infatuated with whom I was, since my school. This place gave me chance to get much closer to my infatuation. This word now glorified its meaning into a more auspicious one for me, and left its original lewd meaning. I was in the most consecrated relation from my side. Things started to change now. I started to change. I spoke lies. In other words, my scale of progress now sat on a different track.

I tried to gain my school attraction back. Lost Opportunities to redeem, charms to multiply, emptiness to nullify, surpassed the actual purpose of my existence there. Motives now were different; dreams had a new character in them....

When will my phone ring, when will the message come,
get over you boring, and let me have some,
time to inquire, for whom I desire,
lend me that wire,  that you brought on hire,
Unplug it from capacitor, and from the motor,
Explain them, without them.
I need to charge my cell, please hurry up Mr Bell,
pardon me for eating my nail, its due to the tension that prevail,
inside my mind, of its intense kind.
Its more than 3 hours, that I haven’t sent her flowers,
in my message, through airtel’s passage,
She would be so sad, will soon go mad,
I need to go, and send her my blow,
Of love and smiles, to bring back her glow,
Please Mr Bell, you end up your show,
of dielectric, and charges at flow.
The face of an angel, at every angle,
is my mistress, the cutest princess,
the voice so nice, sweetness in every slice.
How can I make her upset, with my snippet,
Of the promise that I gave her, is unbreakable forever,
Please Mr Bell, you end up your show....

I was led by the flow through a diversion from where there was no turning back for me; and it sailed me to nowhere. I realised this one year later.

June 20, 2010 – one year back from now
Time can be assigned the synonym for the word Change. Flow of time brings experience, maturity in us, and cure the mistakes of past. It injects in us the strength to move on. It points out what mistakes we had been committing continuously, and shows us the causes that were responsible for the situation in which we are in at present. How cruel is the time with us, it starts teaching after we get failed. With time as a mentor, we fail before, and learn after. So did happen with me too...


Life promising words now had no meaning for my dearest. Betrayal, with wrong complaints, abuses became frequent from that end. My tears, pleadings, questions could not impress the other side. I suppose, the other side that I am calling upon like this, is not here limited to the character of my dearest in my story only, but you see, it applies to every subject that teaches us later after deceiving us out from our honesty.

I knew, the end was near, wanted to wish her all the best, and bless for lifelong happiness, but I could not even do that, because I was bound by an oath from the other side according to which I was instructed not to ever contact again. And I could not free myself out from this oath to fulfil my last wish...
“What brought us together, might remain unspoken,
what held us together, might be worn off and broken.

Even if your way was different, as I felt was mine,
now I want our paths to cross, waiting for my time.”

June 21, 2011 – at present
4:45 am

I always say - Living with nothing is far better than living with nothing which used to be something, and you loved that something, with your everything.
When that something departs, you are left with nothing, which pinches you always with its pines, makes your sores even go worse, makes you suffer in its captivity. I think now you would have known, what type of sores and captivity I had, from which I set myself free yesterday, when I was strolling with the breeze, on the streets.
For the past one year, I had maintained my own captivity; the captivity over my emotions, which I never dared to share with anybody. My tears that I always let them remain hidden, from every one. I was not sleeping then, when lights of my hostel room were off so early. It was not my fault if I used to live cut off from my friends. Very often my silence and my maintained distance from them became a character of comic for some people, but I never reacted to them. I resisted everything with hint of my smile. I knew I can’t go on through rest of my life like this. I was somewhere not forgiving myself for having trusted so untruly people. It is true that no good can come out from it now if I continue to think like this. But for me, this severe blow affected me very deeply. Each cell in my blood knows how badly I have remained in agony. I needed to set myself free, to regain my vital life, where I still need to play my leading role, to give my existence in this world an unforgettable meaning
Then, I did not know, maybe I was wrong on deciding people to trust. But now, having so much experiences, with so much teachings that I got from the most strict mentor, the Time, I can’t make myself deviate from my objectives now for which I am here in this world. I didn’t know then, the relationship that diverts you away from the objectives of your life, are not true. But now, I know this. In fact I realise more responsibilities now that I need to take, with the added interest of those that I spoilt in my past days.
But as the decree of time suggests, I am still in state of incertitude that whether I did very much late to come out from my past? Whatever would be the answer to this incertitude of mine, but the result is clear - I travelled from Dusk, through the mighty darkness of the night, and came out from my own captivity. I am feeling very relaxed now. My past that churned me, crushed me into pieces from inside of me, from its impacts of upheavals in my mind, I released them free today. And now I am embraced, in the folds of dawn...
Sky will soon be clear.


GOD SHALL BLESS US ALL

Copyright ©
ANSHUL GAUTAM

17 comments

i am very much impressed with this note today.you are really a tallented guy. You don't say anything but your feeling comes out through your pen.you write very well n all the best for your next note.

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Omg! Anshul..... I have no words 4 it bro...... It cnt be praisd into words..... I have 2 say nly word 4 it "perfect"!!

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Its nice bro. Very nice. U have given ur much effort in writing this note... I like the poems particularly. The rhyme scheme is awsm. I can't say more. This is ur best creation.
Superlike. Keep writing like this... My all the best wishes with u.

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Anubhav Srivastava

impressed!!prtty mch impressed..u hav d enthu n d required latent talent to go far..your thinking was awesome..revealing the secrets of your past was quite interesting.May god bless your carrier and your passion.jst b passionate..keep it up dude!! god bless..

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My friend you have a beauty in your writing, which never made me realise the length of the work. There is a quirky touch woven so well with the emotions.

"At the time of dusk, I am seeingmy dawn"

Beautiful words. Honestly speaking I do not hold much respect for the competitive bugs who go to Kota. But you amaze me with your work.

Beautiful.

I found your blog via writersbug in facebook. Check out my blog too at writingonthesands.blogspot.com

the latest posts are no good but you might enjoy the previous ones!

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totally awsome n i m again speechless..wat a beautiful way of expressing...u r talented n gifted with writing style..keep goin on..all d best wishes

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"upheaval of thoughts in my mind, creative, supportive and those which are always difficult to share" :P :P :P
"Its 6:30 pm, sun is still four fingers above the horizon," > very nice expression! :) kudos!
As far as the competitive training and the result, loophole is concerned... the lower you stand, the higher your rise seems to be. ... take this as a challenge, may be the way I took it... you can get inspired by your seniors who are now in 4th yrs, 2nd yrs... no chaap... all you need to be is to be sincere! :D
be sincere, enjoy life :D


:P:P "through airtel’s passage," >> nice airtel advert :D
well there is a constant hint to your past/present GF... that makes me quite curious! ... Kaun hain?? :D

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Sorry 4 a late reply. I never knew that u are such a talented writer! Good work Anshul. Keep it up and post your blogs more frequently.

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:) :) firstly a superlike........

i believe expressing oneself is perhaps the toughest job.....
and you have done it very well,,,
hmmmm ll not praise much....
keep blogging......i like to read urs...

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I don't care for the bookish sense of the words dancing to and fro here but care a lot for the relative truth emerging out from each and every word and giving me a neurotic pleasure.This column is touching very crucial aspects of life..and I can't avoid any of them. As writer is undergoing some transitions and expressing them to readers and readers are understanding the nerve of same , so Ican say confidently that writer's purpose is fulfilled here....go for best always.

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nice anshul.........the metaphor u use in d last para to compare ur past from present is really awesome but it's just the begining,u have to make a bright future ahead,my best wishes is always with u keep writing....................

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maturity in thoughts comes with time and it is abundantly reflected here.

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nice poems anshul.......n u really maintained it in a very nice..way...gud...keep it up...

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nyc thot... keep it up..!!

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simply awsum yarr....super 1!!

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